Scooter’s 781st bar, first visited in 2010.

It was moderately busy, but most of the people were either in the table seating area to our left or shooting pool in the back. However we were soon joined by an older man, who pulled something out of his pocket and tapped my shoulder.

“You want some homemade beef jerky?” he offered, shaking the baggie of beef.

I was reminded of the shrimping at Flo’s Poke-a-Dot in Kansas City. I’m sure the beef jerky was delicious, but I get nervous about accepting meat snacks that strangers pull out of their pockets so I politely declined.

1310 Fort Campbell Blvd
Clarksville, TN 37042
US
[launch map]
(931) 552-3800

Scooter’s 780th bar, first visited in 2010.

We walked in and found ourselves in the second smokiest bar I have ever experienced. (Only a VFW I visited in 2006 in Liberty, MO tops it.) I’m talking so smokey that there were actual visibility issues.

We plopped down at the U-shaped bar while the sounds of country music and an episode of “It Only Hurts When You Laugh” on TruTV filled the air. We began drinking our $1 Bud bottles and quickly notice that everyone in the bar was fixated on the TV.

We turned around in our stools to join the regulars in watching the show — a clip show of people screwing up in painful but funny ways. Everyone in the bar was heckling or laughing at the videos.

During a commercial break I got up to use the restroom. It was while I was in the men’s room that events in this bar took a turn for the wacky.

I was washing my hands when it happened. Above the sound of the running water, female voice carried across the bar and into the restroom. The voice of a woman sitting at a table behind us with three of her friends. A voice that spoke in graphic detail of how she performs oral sex and what she likes about her techniques.

I tried by hands and exited the restroom. I immediately locked eyes with B and we gave each other the same knowing look. The look that we knew we needed to sit down and listen, because something really funny was probably about to happen. And it didn’t take long for us to be proven right.

“I love it when guys c– in my a–!” the same woman joyfully proclaimed a few moments later. “It’s just so warm and creamy on the inside. And then later, when I’m taking a sh–, I feel like I’m a chocolate eclair!”

It took everything we could muster to maintain our composure and not erupt in laughter.

Mystery woman, we have no idea who you are, but we thank you for making Speakeasy our funniest stop of the trip.

1991 Fort Campbell Blvd
Clarksville, TN 37042
US
[launch map]
(931) 553-8800